the haunted DREAM

Today is 29^th of December. I am running towards the stop sign, as my holiday is going to end. *Sigh* And yes, am still in my village. To be exact at Kg. Sri Bahagia, Mostyn. We have another thanksgiving ceremony for our late grandfather tomorrow. So, I should be busy now, helping my aunties at the kitchen. Suppose to be. But as the laziness revolves around me, here I am sitting down , writing my blog. Oh did I mention about my nightmare last night?

A nightmare that darken my dream, engulf my happiness and pulling out the smile of mine. Well I cannot remember the whole story, because sometimes you cannot recall the plot of your dream. You just have SLIGHTHEST hint of what it is all about. Basically it was about my exam’s grade. Predictable right?

I dream of my Biology’s teacher, Madam Nur Hayatee threw her tantrum at me because I got 0 for a section in paper 2. I felt as if I was receiving the Death Note when she returned my exam paper. It was blurry, I cannot recall the exact grade I got, but it was scary. I think she did hit my hands with a weapon. ‘weapon’ in my imagination is a chastisement’s equipment though I cannot recall the exact tool. Well, I pray it WILL not become a reality. Even if it is, I hope it will not be my grade for IB Exam in Jun 2011. You know what, I target to get at least 30 points for my 3^rd term exam. 30 is the minimum requirement needed if you don’t want to be called to a session for the Academic Day. But still 36 is what I need to fly!

Ameen. J well, let’s hope for the best and wait for my real result.

inner heart

still have a chance, because I feel the spark in my mind.

i see it through my very own eyes, i know

this is what i want

Allah, i give it all to you. guide me to the rigtheous road,

please avoid me from taking the astray

doors.

ameen

When a 19 years old girl speaks

bittersweet of my heart. I never regret that I actually gave a shot long time ago. When they say no, it is not going to end anywhere. Sure, after all the heartbreak at first, at least I can walk away knowing that all my lists had been done. It is NOT the right time to point out who is responsible to clean up the mess, instead I should see beyond it. See the future beneath the past. Experience that I gained is far more expensive that the sophisticated gadgets in the market now.

If you make a mistake once, you are not stupid. you just need to learn from it. SIGH. I never learn anything from it.

I think , it is the good time to learn about self respect. Enjoying the healing process, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Best way is to forgive. Pensive and poignant do awful thing that destroy my body and positioned my health at dangerous level.

Now I wonder why my tone is rather, monotonous? +_+

Ouh, maybe because I want to tone down. Speaking like a mature girl. Duh, this is when JAM start to untangle the knot in her mind.

But I can never stand when people lies. to be specific a guy lies.

I rather know something that is heartbreaking rather that have to find it own my own. to be exact if I keep wondering what happened while the whole world singing the truth out of their tune.

It is fun. I need to collect the pieces one by one, filtered them and fixed in a box of picture. A box of picture which contained all the uncertainties. All in all, a misery.

But IT is heart wrecking because I need to keep it silent. Hold everything and locked them in my diary. And my mouth too.

As the wise man says,

the truth never fade, it will reveal itself

I guess that's happened. And that is how this story ends. Too bad that you couldn't see what you should see at the very end.

Here I am, rather let myself drown in self destructing ocean, I rather be strong . Trying hard to swim against the heartless waves. And sometimes let the tide and low carried me away.

I know that the best pieces always come from something you care about deeply, my soul. My heart. I'm not ashamed to admit I'm was too emo-ing way back then, that is Jemz. The fact never be changed. To wrap this crap, I would hold my breathe and let it gently and slowly. The end. I hope to create a happy ending, next time. woooohooo. i mean it.

the CURE

We had aqiqah ceremony last few days for baby Akif, ( my uncle's son).So, I had chance to meet my long-lost aunties, uncles, my closest cousins, my nephews, nieces, my grandson.. More people.more merrier the ceremony minus the curious part. Yup, the curious part where my aunties asked my mother about my skin. Oh yeah, since Kasukma ( sport days), my skin complexion getting darker and acne deluged plus blemishes attacked my face. My eczema worsen my condition so I ended up having a prone-acne skin. :(

It still bugging me, because before this when I was involved in any sports competition, I admit that my skin tone getting darker. However, I had never get any problem with MR.ACNE.

Since Kasukma 2010, I found my life just like the pressure cooker waiting the breakout times.

Yeah , people said be grateful for what you have and be comfortable in your own skin. I think I should, but this time I can't handle this no more. So, I used the opportunity chaperoning my mother to a nearby clinic, and ask for a treatment. Initially, I was asking the doctor if she knows any dermatologists. Sadly, she said she knew none. But she took a look on my face and said this is NORMAL!

oh yeah. again NORMAL!

After the some small talk, she gave me choices whether to consume an oral meditation or dabbed my face with a bottle of antibiotics that cost me about RM27. I choose the second one, not because it is cheaper but I don't want to take any risk of the oral medicine's side effects. She also recommended me to use the Sebamed Teenage starter kit because of the positive feedback from her previous patients.

To be honest, I kinda tired to change the facial product,but mom try to convince me this one might worked. So, LET'S SHOP. I really hope this one will help to clear out my outrageous acne after being unsuccessful with other brands.

Yeah, kunak is a small town, with no pharmacist available. But it's okay, I will find the facial product later.

wishlist

WISHes LIST on my 19th birthday!

Fuh, it's been a while, I didn't write anything on my blog. Yeah, my family and I at Kuna k a.k.a my village now. I can spot few changes, like the weather is more warmer than before, new houses were built nearby my grandparent's house and the road is blanketed with tar which ease the car's movement. My grandfather had passed away leaving my grandmom staying in the big house with Uncle Masjur, his wife Aunt Mina, 1st child : Nurul. 2nd child : Irshan 3rd child : Bella and the baby boy : Akif.

Enough about my village, let's come back with new agenda, wishlist 2o1o

I wish .... :-

1. My family and I will be blessed with prosperity and health. Ameen.

2. ...that my friends, the whole BATCH KITA, my senior and I reach our dream, fly to our DREAMLAND, start the new living and for those who bounded with NewMed Malaysia, hope you hit your target!

3. .. I had new baju kurung (s) for college-days!

4. I want a new boyfriend just like him ... ( he is engaged recently, so all I can say is give me a replacement. okay, crap :P )

5. Please, if anyone found MR. MP3, please return it to me. :( i miss him so much. ( note : A keychain named JEMZ hanging on it)

whoooooooooooooot

madam TIK TOK TIK TOK

im about to be insane, today is my birthday! and I will be dead if I couldnt finish this 2nd draft.

oh yeah, TOK thank you for the BIG present

sparkling psycho :)

OPTION

People, we always have option(s) to look at life in positive or negative way. Then, I realized I should take a lot of negative situations and look at them in a funnier way.

It doesn't matter how bad you feel about EE, your TOK first draft ( assigments), at friends who fail to fullfil their promise due to others' commitment, and about your environment.

because

I don't wanna spend my life wallowing in self-pity and I don't want to spend life being insecure.

I think I'm really fun and carefree. Optimistic is what I keep reminding myself to hold on to. In addition, I hate pessimist,

" You can't do that!"

" Seriously you will be dead. It is tough, even smart people didn't excel at it!"

"Let's see if you are capable to do it," -sigh-

Watch me! I'm able to do that.

Pn. Anita , my english teacher once told us a story about the frog. How a frog won the battle by reaching at the top of the tower. No, he was not the fastest among the all the frogs, nor he was the smartest. but

he is deaf, he cannot heard the negative thought, the boo-ing sound and the s***** curse. HE is the champion, no matter what people said. I guess we heard millions of inspired story, since we were young, we being fed with motivational stories, how our prophet MUHAMMAD won people's heart in MADINAH due to his honesty and never-ending efforts, ALBERT EINSTEIN ,the stupid boy who grew up to be A genius, ABRAHAM LINCON who fails few times before won the president position ,

and many more.

how sad it could be when we just wait and see the happy ending. Why don't we create our own story and draw the finishing line. BE inspired and be positive.

and

I think people has misconception about me and my personality. Maybe because I will do exactly what I want when I want to. mind my own thought and do it in my own way. hahaha, I almost laughed when one of the boys comment me on fb

" first impression? you are selekeh"

haha, it is indeed true. in college, im damn selekeh.( exagerration) I dont care much bout thing, about people, about my belongings. i JUST CAN'T HELP IT. But I care bout my friends, and people that I love most - my parents!.

so people, be inspired!

OVER BY fynn jamal

what more do you want to hear from me?
is there anything you wish to see?
a joke? a laugh? a smile? a cry?
a scream? a song? a lullaby?

see i know we are not who we were
i live in denial, remember?
so please don't ask me to open my eyes
don't wanna wake up and realize--

the honeymoon's over
that i should better
be mature.

i'm sorry i do not know what to say
do understand i'm breaking, but hey
when you tell me that you are leaving
don't think i did not see it coming

see, of course i saw we no longer
having stuff we enjoy together
but can we play along our part
and not parade this change of heart?

are you really sure
that we off better
and over?

what more can i say when you wish to leave today
i wont break down now and burst
but --
would you like to have one last breakfast?

AL-CHEMIST

HEhe, the exam is finally over. fuh?! actually my exam was held about 1 week and 1 day ( to be exact). Since I have to sit for 6 subjects, so each day is occupied with 1 subject, started with the first subject - on monday and ended up on friday. And the next monday, left only Biology paper.

so, here is my summary :-

1) chemistry : paper 1, i have left with 5 mins, and still i had tons of questions haven't read, of course haven't answer them yet. and there you go ," 5 mins, left" okay, thank you Madam invigilator. It's SHOW TIME! yes, every bullet not gonna be wasted.and hell yes, most of the answers chosen were not coming from my brain, they derived from the muscle tissues of my hands. But the tragic part was when I was done with chem's paper and happily walking to our CAFETERIA, guesS who I met halfway? A ah, MY BELOVED CHEM'S TEACHER.



" You did poorly for paper 1. 22/40" and he left. okay okay okay... :( :( :(
FirstlY, I felt grateful, at least the marks were beyond my expectation. but to be honest, deep inside I'm poignant. It was my first paper and well bad omen, i guess . ( okay, I shouldn't believe in it)..

but

In every difficulty lies an opportunity, it doesn't matter how many incorrect answers I had done, or how upset my teacher and I could be, but I actually dig up the hole of opportunity. to make it simple, at least I have a big room for improvement. It is better to make mistakes now rather than doing it later, in my final IB exam which is only 6 months away. and I really really really believe in Allah. Allah can change his servant's heart in a split second, a ah including my heart, yours , them and every single creature in this world. The most gracious and powerful, Allah has hidden his best gift for us, and it is our job to discover it ourselves. So, lets reveal our gift and never forget to praise Him for HIS kindness.


Tuesday : MATHEMATICS
wED : agama ISLAM and MALAY A1
thursday : english HL
friday : Business and Management

Monday : Biology HL

monday's night : which is now, blogging and facebooking :)

Oh, my flight is on Wednesday, SABAH i miss you so!

I DONT HAVE ANY ISSUE

YOU AND ME
WE DON'T REALLY HAVE AN ISSUE. YOU ARE NOT my friend nor foe. and please, i don't wanna have any connection with you, ever again. now will you please, leave?

I know it sounds harsh, but face it man. Everything is over, i mean it, OVVVVVVEERRRRR.
you can accuse me for being intolerate, for throwing non-stop tantrum, for spreading stories. but oh yeaahhh your story is far more dramatic than mine, kan?

so why don't you sell off your story, and count your blessings. I do forgive but not to forget it. If only my brain have a cip which stores all the database, I will plug-in my brain in LRC (library) 's computer. Why? Because the computer contains powerful VIRUS, and sure can invade the cip. Make it short, delete all those memories.

But I cannot do that, get me?




soooooo




BYE! please leave, i reallly2 mean it.