Friday, December 30, 2011

Wish #17 Won't lose myself again

I promise to treat myself with all the right I deserved. I promise to be best friend of myself.and I promise to see myself stronger than before. because, I am natural gift to this dunya.

p/s you can't be a GREAT LOVER if you don't love yourself with all you will.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Wish #18 a new heart.

Like a depleted metal, letting go off the bubbles. it dissolved and left its trace behind. Vanished, disappear, but no sounds, mute. Can you tell?

Unlike flammable mercury, hazardous. volatile, even your ears (masking) are helpless. You can tell,


Everyone is struggling for so many things in her/his life. study, money, girl/boyfriend, marriage, kids, career or disease. Name it. You name it. Add the ambiguity of the aim, the goal, passion perhaps, and you learn by silence that you fall down and get up, again and again.

Last two days my heart arches because of something I dare not to mention. Misery is the best word to describe when it becomes so painful to bear with. It takes courage and strength to shaken myself, let go off the turmoil (of egoistic) inside my heart. Astagfirlahalazim.

she said,
" The problem is nothing but your heart", and indeed The Almighty won't look at your face, body but your HEART. It's tiring and frustrating because the blaming game is useless, and this reminder knocks me off. huh. Growing older is not easy, and I reminded myself, it's okay. Past is past, things happened.

I won't be indifferent nor unmoved. I need to change the glass, before filling it up again with the new, water. Tell me it is not that easy.

Friday, December 23, 2011

wish #19 forgive me.

Dear teeth, sorry for the unnecessary pain. I know you're suffered but I know you are strong enough. Have faith in me, I'm doing this for our future. So that, you won't decay faster, and I could stay with you, a little longer. I don't wanna lost you, so let's grow mature together. You will be beautiful.
What is medicine to me, is metal braces to you.
sincerely, jam.

Friday, December 16, 2011

wish # 20

Dear my future Husssssbannnnd,

I don't know where you're right now, but definitely you're always be in my prayer. Allah has everything under HIS control, and one day, I know I'll MARRY YOU. ameen.

continuation : Let's get old together,

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

tour of my hut

I love this epic clock
Since I'm phone-less, this one comes handy. Familia comes first!
mr. shaky with an empty blue board
MR. King and his DEAREST Madam Queen.
My canvas of art.

Every night in my dream.

Monday, December 5, 2011

walk your thought.

You can be the most beautiful person in the world and everybody sees light and rainbows when they look at you, but if you yourself don’t know it, all of that doesn’t even matter. Every second that you spend on doubting your worth, every moment that you use to criticize yourself; is a second of your life wasted, is a moment of your life thrown away. It’s not like you have forever, so don’t waste any of your seconds, don’t throw even one of your moments away.
C. JoyBell C.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Chuck & Blair ♥ For me, it isn't over

I choose novel over movie. But this one is irresistible. Oh, mr. director please let Blair and Chuck together or else I will have to waste more and more tears.

by Langston Hughes

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

Friday, December 2, 2011

The wild "X"

Hey everyone.

Hello. Okay. I'm not pulling anyone's knees but I had a serious thought that need to be expressed,or else it stucks like forever in my head. Dang!

Frankly I've being missing everyone these days. Yup, Selanjar 1( our first- s0-called-exam) had past, leaving a mark behind, to measure the performance, especially me. That's enough. The high "expectation" is there, I know it will be anywhere it wanna be but this time is different. The pressure of having good grades not because of me, my parents or sponsor body but for the name you carried behind your back. The name you don't want to be tarnished because, because you know the uphold prestigious is beyond the capacity- of your own vocabulary.

"SMART" , "Genius" can anyone tell me how you measure one's intelligence? Forget the IQ test, it won't do enough justice. The common answer you would get is "EXAM". Yap. thats freaking true. Even it is not for you, but it works for the society, (Asian especially) who makes it predominant in our life, that you are nothing without the A's. So everyone starts pulling their socks, put the glasses on and MUGGED UP everything in the books. So am I. I'm part of the system too.

It started so well in UPSR (six grade) then I've enjoyed the rainbow's colours in PMR (lower secondary school) before dancing in the rain of my SPM (high school). Whenever this big exams is haunting me, I'm well prepared. Bullets in my pocket, pretty sure I hit my target with the gun I'm proudly hold up to.

But this question of one of the interviewers hit me,

" You are doing pretty well in back then, what happens with your collage's result?"

Believe me, I didn't see it's coming. Guess, the storm comes along with the blessing rains.
" Huh, I do believe in destiny. AL Mighty is CAPABLE to do anything, everything. Back to my case, lets say I had given my 99% and the result didn't meet the "X-pactation". Do you put the blame on me?. Being a doctor, doesn't mean he/she had to stop being a human, which is not- flawless. Now tell me, what if you had done your very best to save your dearly patient's life but at the end of the day, the only kalimah you could say is, "Indeed we are belong to ALLAH, and indeed for him we are returned?".

I'm grateful they didn't reject me. It is actually blessing in disguise.

That is one real life example. To me, you are not required to get like 80% in exam to be claimed as "smart" or being the great achiever, but to learn new thing every day like playing instrument, or sports. To keep going digging the knowledge and soon to realize how little knowledge we possed before. To be able to act a really human being, and use the time wisely, to speak up your mind and channel for improvement. and there so many more. But, the system had moulded us to be like this. To desperately learn to pass the exam, to revise those that being highlighted and worst- to ignore other field of knowledges, that might appeared less important.


I miss karl. That guy in my high school, that always open up and discuss about the world. I miss those moments, we hang up together just to throw up our opinion regarding economics of Karl Max or palestin or immoral behaviours (that's seems morally right to him). And those days, that we being stayed up late, in the lab rooms, working on project called TORPEDO. Pretty exhausting to apply the physic's laws, and having hands-on practical at the same time. But we made it, we won the state championship with nel, fadzrin and hisyam.

Herol. This fantastic guy that really turn my head upset down. He got very interesting point on subject matter, that really push my button. To read, to research and to find answers to all the questions he had bombarded long time ago. I'm honored to be friend with him, seeing him growing up and choosing the right path.

Muna. This girl is a package. She is just..... I can't explain by words, but she is really understanding. Most important is, she knows how weird I am. and she loves it. :)

Fareeza. A strong girl, a role model and a loyal listener. I would mumble all along and she won't mind. She is cool yeah.

Last but not least, Bella. A sister, who held the answers for the doubt I had. Thanks.

Well, most of them won't read this, I know. But, inside my heart, they had left heart's prints that won't stain, withstand the test of time And I'm grateful, once we're talking, laughing and crying together in this real world. I miss you all.
Good night.