he said,

Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two. 


-Louis de Bernieres

The wild "X"

Hey everyone.

Bye.

Hello. Okay. I'm not pulling anyone's knees but I had a serious thought that need to be expressed,or else it stucks like forever in my head. Dang!

Frankly I've being missing everyone these days. Yup, Selanjar 1( our first- s0-called-exam) had past, leaving a mark behind, to measure the performance, especially me. That's enough. The high "expectation" is there, I know it will be anywhere it wanna be but this time is different. The pressure of having good grades not because of me, my parents or sponsor body but for the name you carried behind your back. The name you don't want to be tarnished because, because you know the uphold prestigious is beyond the capacity- of your own vocabulary.

"SMART" , "Genius" can anyone tell me how you measure one's intelligence? Forget the IQ test, it won't do enough justice. The common answer you would get is "EXAM". Yap. thats freaking true. Even it is not for you, but it works for the society, (Asian especially) who makes it predominant in our life, that you are nothing without the A's. So everyone starts pulling their socks, put the glasses on and MUGGED UP everything in the books. So am I. I'm part of the system too.

It started so well in UPSR (six grade) then I've enjoyed the rainbow's colours in PMR (lower secondary school) before dancing in the rain of my SPM (high school). Whenever this big exams is haunting me, I'm well prepared. Bullets in my pocket, pretty sure I hit my target with the gun I'm proudly hold up to.

But this question of one of the interviewers hit me,

" You are doing pretty well in back then, what happens with your collage's result?"

Believe me, I didn't see it's coming. Guess, the storm comes along with the blessing rains.

" Huh, I do believe in destiny. AL Mighty is CAPABLE to do anything, everything. Back to my case, lets say I had given my 99% and the result didn't meet the "X-pactation". Do you put the blame on me?. Being a doctor, doesn't mean he/she had to stop being a human, which is not- flawless. Now tell me, what if you had done your very best to save your dearly patient's life but at the end of the day, the only kalimah you could say is, "Indeed we are belong to ALLAH, and indeed for him we are returned?".

I'm grateful they didn't reject me. It is actually blessing in disguise.

That is one real life example. To me, you are not required to get like 80% in exam to be claimed as "smart" or being the great achiever, but to learn new thing every day like playing instrument, or sports. To keep going digging the knowledge and soon to realize how little knowledge we possed before. To be able to act a really human being, and use the time wisely, to speak up your mind and channel for improvement. and there so many more. But, the system had moulded us to be like this. To desperately learn to pass the exam, to revise those that being highlighted and worst- to ignore other field of knowledges, that might appeared less important.

Discrimination.

I miss karl. That guy in my high school, that always open up and discuss about the world. I miss those moments, we hang up together just to throw up our opinion regarding economics of Karl Max or palestin or immoral behaviours (that's seems morally right to him). And those days, that we being stayed up late, in the lab rooms, working on project called TORPEDO. Pretty exhausting to apply the physic's laws, and having hands-on practical at the same time. But we made it, we won the state championship with nel, fadzrin and hisyam.

Herol. This fantastic guy that really turn my head upset down. He got very interesting point on subject matter, that really push my button. To read, to research and to find answers to all the questions he had bombarded long time ago. I'm honored to be friend with him, seeing him growing up and choosing the right path.

Muna. This girl is a package. She is just..... I can't explain by words, but she is really understanding. Most important is, she knows how weird I am. and she loves it. :)

Fareeza. A strong girl, a role model and a loyal listener. I would mumble all along and she won't mind. She is cool yeah.

Last but not least, Bella. A sister, who held the answers for the doubt I had. Thanks.

Well, most of them won't read this, I know. But, inside my heart, they had left heart's prints that won't stain, withstand the test of time And I'm grateful, once we're talking, laughing and crying together in this real world. I miss you all.

Good night.

Fishy,

" Don't simply throw your heart out there, just like it's fish bait. " - 17mag.

Because when someone get hooked, and bleed. There is nothing you can do, because a lesson is learned but the damage is irreversible.

I can be your queen

Paralyzing thought

When you had actually left all the mess behind, sometimes it comes back in a motion. Playing it all over again like a tape in your mind and you are actually trying hard to push the ‘STOP’ button, and then you realize that you ain’t dreaming. Looking from the window – your very own eyes, caught the glimpse of the real figure standing across the building. REAL PERSON.

Hey you. Not literally said it.

Funny enough, I bid HEY TO GOODBYE.

If your upbeat attitude once caught my heart in. And the respect you successfully gained long time ago. It doesn’t mean everything is going to be fine now. Cause it was only there, and only then.

Like what I had mention to BELLA,

“I suggest you (he) leave. I'm the only one who remembers why you were withdrew at the first place”

NO more us, not now, nor never. Let’s not do it again.

And worry no more, I won’t let the LOVE shut down. No, I am not that cold, sad person. But I had the final nail for your coffin, making sure that you will be buried deep down. In a place called my HEART. BYE.

mischievous thought

To : Lala

Forbidden love , right before my eyes,

But I know, patient is a virtue, sigh..

My throat keep screaming shut, nobody can hear my cries

I’m not in love with you, I’m just in love at you

There is a difference,

The expectation of intimacy is never there, but I’m just a hopeful skeptic, waiting for a smile, for the moment of passing by,

Looking down, I know I couldn’t handle

But arrogant is never my intention,

People come, people go,

Leaving nothing but memory, will vanish in no time,

Having past self come calling,

And wishing you could warn yourself about what’s happening

Recite a prayer, hoping Allah will hear my plight,

I valued whatever time we had left, rather than bitterly counted it down,

If

Silent if the prefect line, before real distant will be a million miles,

I bet everything gonna be fine.

When a 19 years old girl speaks

bittersweet of my heart. I never regret that I actually gave a shot long time ago. When they say no, it is not going to end anywhere. Sure, after all the heartbreak at first, at least I can walk away knowing that all my lists had been done. It is NOT the right time to point out who is responsible to clean up the mess, instead I should see beyond it. See the future beneath the past. Experience that I gained is far more expensive that the sophisticated gadgets in the market now.

If you make a mistake once, you are not stupid. you just need to learn from it. SIGH. I never learn anything from it.

I think , it is the good time to learn about self respect. Enjoying the healing process, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Best way is to forgive. Pensive and poignant do awful thing that destroy my body and positioned my health at dangerous level.

Now I wonder why my tone is rather, monotonous? +_+

Ouh, maybe because I want to tone down. Speaking like a mature girl. Duh, this is when JAM start to untangle the knot in her mind.

But I can never stand when people lies. to be specific a guy lies.

I rather know something that is heartbreaking rather that have to find it own my own. to be exact if I keep wondering what happened while the whole world singing the truth out of their tune.

It is fun. I need to collect the pieces one by one, filtered them and fixed in a box of picture. A box of picture which contained all the uncertainties. All in all, a misery.

But IT is heart wrecking because I need to keep it silent. Hold everything and locked them in my diary. And my mouth too.

As the wise man says,

the truth never fade, it will reveal itself

I guess that's happened. And that is how this story ends. Too bad that you couldn't see what you should see at the very end.

Here I am, rather let myself drown in self destructing ocean, I rather be strong . Trying hard to swim against the heartless waves. And sometimes let the tide and low carried me away.

I know that the best pieces always come from something you care about deeply, my soul. My heart. I'm not ashamed to admit I'm was too emo-ing way back then, that is Jemz. The fact never be changed. To wrap this crap, I would hold my breathe and let it gently and slowly. The end. I hope to create a happy ending, next time. woooohooo. i mean it.

I DONT HAVE ANY ISSUE

YOU AND ME
WE DON'T REALLY HAVE AN ISSUE. YOU ARE NOT my friend nor foe. and please, i don't wanna have any connection with you, ever again. now will you please, leave?

I know it sounds harsh, but face it man. Everything is over, i mean it, OVVVVVVEERRRRR.
you can accuse me for being intolerate, for throwing non-stop tantrum, for spreading stories. but oh yeaahhh your story is far more dramatic than mine, kan?

so why don't you sell off your story, and count your blessings. I do forgive but not to forget it. If only my brain have a cip which stores all the database, I will plug-in my brain in LRC (library) 's computer. Why? Because the computer contains powerful VIRUS, and sure can invade the cip. Make it short, delete all those memories.

But I cannot do that, get me?




soooooo




BYE! please leave, i reallly2 mean it.