How's your nose? I hope you'll be just alright. Today is 30th March and I'm glad that today, I still alive. Alhamdulilah, I still breath and you still be able to read this.
I'm done a huge damage.
So, he asked me last night " Why I didn't call for so long"
I wanted to tell that I put up effort and fight hard enough, not to make any contact with him, keep myself busy all the time. But obviously I failed.
I can't think of any good answer, so I threw the same question back to him, " So, why you didn;t too?". And I'm expecting the same old answer. money. expensive.to make a call.yadayadaya
Worst than that, he came up with an idea. To buy a smart phone, to use the application. so messaging is not a problem. it's free.
I swear I want to say YES!. I will buy one. So distance would not be a barrier. And my heart quest for more. Not only butterflies, but I did feel buffaloes in my tummy at that time.
But, I say NO. Not because I don't have money. because I know this is the starter of the fake fairy tale. One day I'll be back at this moment, cursing to my own self for letting myself down, again. I don't want end up get attached to the 'smart phone' 24 hours.I know I'm smarter than the phone, I'm afraid it turned out to be the other way around.
Once I get addicted, I can't turn back. The pain, the pleasure will blend as one. I don't want to lose the control of oneself. I don't want to put my emotion based on his responds- angst when he is not available, ecstatic when he is around. And most of all, I don't want to have the guilt grow up in myself, thinking each day, 'Is this a right thing'?
Maybe this is the end of it. Kindly remind me this is the beginning of the war. lust and love.Do pray for me. May Allah ease my stubborn heart and keep it moist with the eeman.
" Giving up something the heart adores is one of the hardest battles we ever have to fight"- Y.M
p/s I couldn't agree more.