2.53 am. I can't sleep. See, I don't lie about insomnia, I can't sleep. but I know I can't escape any of the classes tomorrow, which I have no intention to do, so. I browse through my twitter page, and read the tweets. One captured my attention, Princess had tweet
" 3 rd attempt to re-sleep".
High Five. at least I'm not alone.
I just skype with my GIRLS - A and M last evening. It's so good that distance didn't actually keep our friendship even a mile. We still have time for each other. Share all the common topics should be covered during chatting. Girly stuff. I really2 love them to the certain extend that I wish we are so near, that I could actually hug them. I long the word, 'love' that usually slipped off the tongue. Involuntary embrace to warm the cold hearts. Laughter at second, and tears at next.
I didn't say I wasn't happy here surrounded with my happy-go-lucky friends. But they will never be the same persons, that I expected to be. I know I'm mean. I should not put any standard to a bunch a person called friends. But I just miss the old friends. Well, how words could possible express everything? Human should create more words than.
I feel alone at times. And so are they. Adaptation - a question arouse? No, this is beyond that.
I remember the last conversation we had. One by one, take turn to share their stories. And when THE MAN part came, I just kept giggling and doodling some unknown stuff. I know how they feel but I don't know what to say. The pain. The pleasure. GUILTY PLEASURE? The interchangeable feeling. Huh. Been there done that. The fight with your inner side never be easy. You thought you are strong, well you might appeared to be one.
This is why I hate ATTACHMENT. It will never last. My uncle once said, "If your child can't stay away from a phone even for a minute, surely they have someone special".
It is true. Attachment, you can't easily unplugged them and let the force dies. Flashback. I recalled the moment my best friends betrayed me back in HS, how people that I could really die for is forever gone, and recently how distance- India to Eire, separated me and my girls apart, where we had already plan to travel together. How it will be possible now?
Is it because I'm the clingy one? Or the person is just so boring, that I could not really handle myself when I'm with them. Or that is a written fate, we can't stay with a person ( - regardless of sex, boy/girl) forever?. I have been through a lot, that I don't want to do undergo that again. It is hurt. Undeniable.
So I keep distance, settling in a new place, I didn't really stick with anyone. I thought it will work. I'm quite impressive, until the day where my Roomie said she needed to shift to a new room. My heart ache a bit, but I know she had a very solid reason for that.
That night, I keep talking to my inner self. The fear had got me again. Even I keep some distance, when the time comes, people has to move. They are not static, they are moving.
Look what attachment had done to me. I'm care free. I want to prove to my uncle, I am not the victim of the gadget, I'm surely can survive without phone. I didn't care about my phone. Sometimes I'm too lazy to check the message, or to peep upon the screen. Most people complaints, I didn't pick up nor return their call. I put some restricted distance upon myself, I can't be show the CARING part of me. I barely just try to detach. But I lost myself in the process.
Lately I'm not being the person I am. I already forget, how I suppose to behave, to do, to say?
Yasmin Mogahed once post in her facebook, " People come and people go. One day you are happy, the next day you are down.Why search for pure happiness? Because nothing in this world will last but in JANNAH it does."
That one hitted me, hard. True. If immortal happiness is here, what will be left in the hereafter?