Warkah untuk MU-na

Assalamualaikum,

How's your nose? I hope you'll be just alright. Today is 30th March and I'm glad that today, I still alive. Alhamdulilah, I still breath and you still be able to read this.

I'm done a huge damage.

So, he asked me last night " Why I didn't call for so long"

I wanted to tell that I put up effort and fight hard enough, not to make any contact with him, keep myself busy all the time. But obviously I failed.

I can't think of any good answer, so I threw the same question back to him, " So, why you didn;t too?". And I'm expecting the same old answer. money. expensive.to make a call.yadayadaya

Worst than that, he came up with an idea. To buy a smart phone, to use the application. so messaging is not a problem. it's free.

I swear I want to say YES!. I will buy one. So distance would not be a barrier. And my heart quest for more. Not only butterflies, but I did feel buffaloes in my tummy at that time.

But, I say NO. Not because I don't have money. because I know this is the starter of the fake fairy tale. One day I'll be back at this moment, cursing to my own self for letting myself down, again. I don't want end up get attached to the 'smart phone' 24 hours.I know I'm smarter than the phone, I'm afraid it turned out to be the other way around.

Once I get addicted, I can't turn back. The pain, the pleasure will blend as one. I don't want to lose the control of oneself. I don't want to put my emotion based on his responds- angst when he is not available, ecstatic when he is around. And most of all, I don't want to have the guilt grow up in myself, thinking each day, 'Is this a right thing'?

Maybe this is the end of it. Kindly remind me this is the beginning of the war. lust and love.Do pray for me. May Allah ease my stubborn heart and keep it moist with the eeman.

" Giving up something the heart adores is one of the hardest battles we ever have to fight"- Y.M

p/s I couldn't agree more.

Don't drink and lie.

When you are telling lies; of course your higher centre- brain, knew you are not speaking the truth. Hence, your sympathetic nerves, (which is not under your control) will take over to stimulate thirst centre and start to reabsorb water from your mouth. Hence, you become more thirsty. And, you will consume a sip of water, without knowing the fact. Those who knew, will catch you red handed.- Dr. Rajashree.

Moral of the story, don't lie and drink at the same time.

Like a P**

Woke up with the pain sensation in my mouth. GRRRRRRR

Before brushing my teeth, I grabbed my bottle to drink the mineral water. Well, PBUH Muhammad did that too. It is recommended for your health, because your saliva will contain enzyme that is good for digestion. Okay, done.

But, grrrrrr! it is sooo painful. Last night, Dr. Vijay, the Orthodontic tighten the wire of my braces. So that my left rabbit tooth can be straighten just like the right side. Usually the pain will last no more than 1 hour or 2, but now it is beyond 24 hours. Plus the fact that I already swollenthe PAIN KILLER. I need some distraction, I said.

Put on my Adidas shoes, I went out of the hostel and walking towards the stadium. It is kinda weird with the light fog blanketed the stadium. Aik?! I'm in India. Now it is summer, and I didn't see where this is coming from? But, I chose to be ignorant and started to set my foot on the track. Running slowly while counting 1,2,3..... Congratulation, I made 2 rounds. Yeah.

I remember my Prof said " If you fill the tank of your car with Petrol, it will stay there, unless you use it. Same goes to your body, you eat, consume fatty acid and oily stuff, unless you work out, it will stay there forever". Fuyooh!

Now I sweat like a pig. But that sensation is coming back. GRRRRR! The teeth is killing me. I feel like knocking my head against the wall!

Confession (she)

"And I feel so alone sometimes, that I didn't find anyone I could really share the deep thought of mine"- she said.

I looked at her, without a blink. I wouldn't never expect those words were actually coming out of her mouth. I used to envy her, on how she keeps people around her. She knows to do chore- to cook our local food, to bake delicious cake, to draw cartoon and bla bla bla. She is multi-talented, pious and smart, too. When the other side, I just love to follow my gut. Do anything I like to do.But she did admit the things that I thought, I'm the only one who are drowning in that mess.

I know, people might not talk this out loud, just because they think they shouldn't. Or maybe they just didn't like to look like a pathetic fellow who usually feel lonely. To be frank, friendship break-ups is like a cycle in my life. It haunted me since I'm in primary school ,high school and obviously here. The only exception is, in beloved my college. One minute people are nice to you, we shared the foods, laughter and enjoy each other companies. Next seconds, everything is start to change. I began to wonder what went wrong. Maybe I'm just too sensitive, maybe people not in the good mood, they need space or maybe I'm over-reacting. Most of the time,I'll keep quite and share the things with Muna. And she said, JUST BE NICE TO PEOPLE.

I did. I try to make a conservation or to pull a smile in my face. But somehow, the world isn't in my hands. I had no power on controlling people. But more than anything, I feel like - enough. I began to wonder, who am I again?

I give up. I feel really upset, but hey. Challenges are created to make me stronger. Maybe this is one form of test to me. That God really wants to me to re-evaluate myself and feel closer to HIM. As He is my Creator, of course He will know the best for oneself. I just believe that people will come and go as they may, but the True Friend stay. Maybe they are far away, maybe they are near but they will be around when I need them. ( God's willing)

Those who decide to leave, they are welcome to do so. I wouldn't make any effort to make them stay any longer. Keep your companies,then I will keep mine.

Journal #1 : Mumbai

Heading out of the campus.

Slum's area : smelly, and dusty.

The papa helped us across the road, although he has one leg but he carries A BIG HEART.

The Belgiumians.

The British's art,

Modern art.

Vintage anyone?

Look at the beautiful building, they had struggle to conserve their History.

Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus

formely known as Victoria Terminus

If you had watched any Hindi's movie, this is

one of the famous setting -train railway. It only cost Rs4 rupee = RM 0.28 cent per head

Normal scene

The friendly tour guide.

Homeless. Would you be grateful now?

"I need some food" she said

Yet luxurious food is ours.

Awesome place : Leather Factory!

Remember Slumdog Movie? : This is the real setting. We walked down the lane.

Remember : The Mann? This is Gateway of India

Roman pieces.

Chowpathy Beach

Again.

Owl

Crawford Market

I know this is a long overdue, but what could I say. (busy)

If I never go out, and actually look at the hardship of ones, I may not be as grateful as I am now.

Count your blessings, you had never know what you would miss, if you're at their place.

Superman

Even superman is there, you should be someone, Worth FIGHTING for.

-J.P-

dream deferred by Langston H.

A Dream Deferred

Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore–
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over–
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

deaf and mute

Loud pitch is irritable, not for the deaf

Melody is enjoyable, not for the dumb.

Love is to raise, not for the foe

Rage is for you, not for me tho.

Over.

I'm done with fitting in. I just can't.

De-attach

2.53 am. I can't sleep. See, I don't lie about insomnia, I can't sleep. but I know I can't escape any of the classes tomorrow, which I have no intention to do, so. I browse through my twitter page, and read the tweets. One captured my attention, Princess had tweet

" 3 rd attempt to re-sleep".

High Five. at least I'm not alone.

*************************************************************************************

I just skype with my GIRLS - A and M last evening. It's so good that distance didn't actually keep our friendship even a mile. We still have time for each other. Share all the common topics should be covered during chatting. Girly stuff. I really2 love them to the certain extend that I wish we are so near, that I could actually hug them. I long the word, 'love' that usually slipped off the tongue. Involuntary embrace to warm the cold hearts. Laughter at second, and tears at next.

I didn't say I wasn't happy here surrounded with my happy-go-lucky friends. But they will never be the same persons, that I expected to be. I know I'm mean. I should not put any standard to a bunch a person called friends. But I just miss the old friends. Well, how words could possible express everything? Human should create more words than.

I feel alone at times. And so are they. Adaptation - a question arouse? No, this is beyond that.

I remember the last conversation we had. One by one, take turn to share their stories. And when THE MAN part came, I just kept giggling and doodling some unknown stuff. I know how they feel but I don't know what to say. The pain. The pleasure. GUILTY PLEASURE? The interchangeable feeling. Huh. Been there done that. The fight with your inner side never be easy. You thought you are strong, well you might appeared to be one.

This is why I hate ATTACHMENT. It will never last. My uncle once said, "If your child can't stay away from a phone even for a minute, surely they have someone special".

It is true. Attachment, you can't easily unplugged them and let the force dies. Flashback. I recalled the moment my best friends betrayed me back in HS, how people that I could really die for is forever gone, and recently how distance- India to Eire, separated me and my girls apart, where we had already plan to travel together. How it will be possible now?

Is it because I'm the clingy one? Or the person is just so boring, that I could not really handle myself when I'm with them. Or that is a written fate, we can't stay with a person ( - regardless of sex, boy/girl) forever?. I have been through a lot, that I don't want to do undergo that again. It is hurt. Undeniable.

So I keep distance, settling in a new place, I didn't really stick with anyone. I thought it will work. I'm quite impressive, until the day where my Roomie said she needed to shift to a new room. My heart ache a bit, but I know she had a very solid reason for that.

That night, I keep talking to my inner self. The fear had got me again. Even I keep some distance, when the time comes, people has to move. They are not static, they are moving.

Look what attachment had done to me. I'm care free. I want to prove to my uncle, I am not the victim of the gadget, I'm surely can survive without phone. I didn't care about my phone. Sometimes I'm too lazy to check the message, or to peep upon the screen. Most people complaints, I didn't pick up nor return their call. I put some restricted distance upon myself, I can't be show the CARING part of me. I barely just try to detach. But I lost myself in the process.

Lately I'm not being the person I am. I already forget, how I suppose to behave, to do, to say?

Yasmin Mogahed once post in her facebook, " People come and people go. One day you are happy, the next day you are down.Why search for pure happiness? Because nothing in this world will last but in JANNAH it does."

That one hitted me, hard. True. If immortal happiness is here, what will be left in the hereafter?

curiosity - Get the best of me.

Sometimes I been wondering around, who could probably read my blog, and my posts. So for those who care enough, do you guys mind to say 'Hi' in my comment down here?

THANK YOU , readers.

excuse.

Confession. I had my name on the board of my university. Here's the thing, I been playing truant the last few months. Been escaping few classes. Can't help, I'm tooo tired. So, cut the story short , I need to write a letter presenting the appropriate reasons, why I didn't come to class. So, I had made some.but none of them, is the truth.

Not really. I seriously have the Biological Disorder symptom, or have insomnia at night, and reckless all the day. Few days ago, I try to fix it, by sleeping before the midnight, hoping I can adjust it back to normal. But that's not the issue. To create an excuse wasn't that hard, but I need to talk to deputy dean personally. Handed the letter personally. one to one. I'm quite nervous.

Then come a thought in my mind, "He is just a man. like you. The One who you suppose to fear a lot, is Allah.". I never think, if you had done serious damage on this earth, what would the possible reason you could make up in the hereafter? Will you be able to escape the punishment that time? What did I do with all the money given by the Scholar? hermmm Did I thankful enough for the redz on every day basic?

And most of all, did I do everything, BECAUSE OF.....

Check your nawaitu.

Weekend update :-
I been posting this map on my room, to inspire me every day!
Book of the week, I had done with this one! It is a great motivational book :)

it is,

Syukur, the result is out. and my parents didn't interested to know my grade. They are just pretty okay to know I that I've pass the exam. And eventually I have to buy a present for my sister. I already gave her my word, if I've pass, then she will get a reward. People called it as Nazar.

Thank you ALLAH for the redz you gave me. And I know no one can help me, to win, but YOU.