sky.

I won't find heart and love up in the sky, tonight.

de ATH

It was 2 a.m and I still reading, my twitter page. Today is Sunday, and it is not a holiday. Yeah we have class – Malay Class which is compulsory even though I’m no longer in my hometown But it’s fine with me.

I feel so blessed today, I just done my revision and I can easily grab the concept. It is well extraordinary, because I know my capability but sometimes I just underestimate myself. I am my worst enemy. I like putting unnecessary pressure on myself, by telling I’m not good enough. Point out my own weakness instead of concentrating on my strength. That’s pathetic. I know.

Pause. Then, a thought come into my mind. If Allah didn’t ease my study, I won’t be able to digest the content of my subject. That’s the ultimate true. Alhamdulilah, I closed my eyes, letting my soul to recall the shower of bless on me. Again, thank you ALLAH.

Another pause. What if I die tonight? Will people cry? like how I did when I first see this world? Yes.MAYBE. But apart from tears, I just hope they will remember me in their plight every time in sollah. Al fatihah is the best present one can give for the dead man, and me too. Fear of dying is there, but it is a world that already destined for us. This world we are live in is merely a dream, and the immortal life is after your heartbeat stop pumping.

I remember Fi’s father a.k.a Mr. Moghni said

“Dying is like moving from another phase. Like when you are baby, you grow up as a teenager, an adult, the old man and come the last phase, ‘man from different, time’. If you implement that in your mind, then you can lessen the fear”

Stop. Someone had just passed away. I ‘m not kidding. I just READ Azmir seed’s tweet. A junior. a boy. Mara College Banting.

Tick tock tick tock. His time had came.Who is next?

hero (in)

Like crossing the bridge, there are moments where you will grip the handle so hard, afraid from failing down, or maybe direct your attention on your feet, putting extra careful in steps you are about to take.

“ Try not to jump” she said.

*********************************************************************************

It was a hot afternoon where I ran back to my hostel to take a siesta before attending the Remedial class at 230pm. On my way, I stopped immediately at Ain Ariffin’s room, as a poster of a cute baby in a grim, clenching a fist and a note spotted down the picture “SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO BE YOUR OWN HERO” really caught my attention.

And one year had gone. Now I’m standing in a different land, with distinct languages being spoken. Luckily English is widely use among professional people over here, but I’m more interested to learn Kannada and Hindi. The subject is quite okay, as Prof KJ mentioned before, medicine is a simple yet adventurous subject. It is easy but you need to tackle the huge volume of the content. So true, imagine the class is started from 8am to 5pm, every Monday to Saturday. (: How cool is that? And can you imagine how many things I learn in a day? Absorption of knowledge is a question, but more than that, I enjoyed learning new things everything. For me, it is beyond memorizing what is ‘ala’, or ‘mastoid process’ or maybe what is tendon made up of?. It is more like the spirit of a baby starting to learn ABC, or counting as simple as 1 2 3. She is smart not by knowing everything in a first attempt but by forgiving herself as she made mistakes all along.

Adapting is another issue. Since I was in form 1, I learnt to be independent, being in a boarding school for 5 years, and after that spending my precious 2 years in a heaven called Mara College Banting. To be honest, I still stuck in reverse. Deep inside my heart, that college really mould to become who I am today. The place which I hate at first turned out to be a place where I hardly accept that I’m no longer it’s permanent citizen. I learn the hard way that excellent result doesn’t indicate that you’re intelligent, at the end it is only a piece of a paper, just a ticket for you to start your other journey. Because the most crucial thing is WHAT YOU HAD BECOME at the end.

I’m lucky to have a loyal and sister-like roommate. Her name is Deebs. She just won the Best of Short Movie awards for Trinity 2011. I’m so happy for her. Well, she is wayyyyy toooo nice to me. I mean she respects all my decisions, she knows how to handle my anger plus frustrations, she knows how to celebrate my joys and most of all, she understand whenever I need my privacy space (when I need to be alone). Because I just don’t see any point of being clingy here. I love to walk wherever my legs take me, I love to laugh with the people I just met, I love to hang out with a bunch of girls in the juice shop or just sitting next to random people in different lectures. I lead my life that way. Not to say I don’t have any closest friend, or clique, but in a mean time, I just want to be like this. Still, being reserved doesn’t mean I need to be quite. I’m still a chatterbox, whenever necessary. And somehow, you had to love yourself, being a hero and save your own life, from drowning in the ocean of shock.

And I’m my own hero(in). Am fixing myself and continue to cross this bridge, and I’m not afraid of the wooden holes. Oh Allah, please show me the way. (:

you

A guy that can accept your flaws, love you unconditionally, kiss you on your worse & call you beautiful no matter what is a guy worth loving.

fix me

Fix me

Heart break. I feel so devastated that I’m no longer see the pain nor I can feel it. So it is buried, deep down in my heart. I feel like throwing tantrum, being blunder, cursing under my breath but I can’t. I just let my tears dropping down, and let go everything. (but I know it is not merely means the end)

********************************************************************************

Belgaum, India – I love the place. I love the lecturers. I love the climate. I can tolerate with almost everything, name it – the dogs, the dust (even I have own my air purifier in my room), the freak auto , the ‘extreme food’ and the weird look being thrown to us (foreigner)

But I can’t really accept the management. Yesterday was supposed to be my volleyball match. This tournament is a big match involving the whole Karnataka State ( KLE society), students from Goa, Manipal and the nearby place came and join this event called TRINITY. It is composed of Cultural competition, Sport and Literature. Okay, then I was ecstatic to know that there will be VOLLEYBALL match. Oh My, I miss volleyball so much, that I can’t even concentrate in the class. Sometimes, in the middle of the lecture, my mind playing the trick on me, visualizing the most auspicious moment to dig the ball and serve it sharply. WOOAAAHHH~

To cut it short, I didn’t get to play volleyball. We are following the schedule while the match had been held a day in advance. They had not informed us about the changes. We were there, in the court waiting for the other team, when a judge came and dropped the breaking news to me. I can’t think of anything at that time. I'm down on my knees, and burst. See, in my campus the volleyball court is under construction, yet in almost a month I had been here, I didn’t get the chance to play, at all.

And I don’t expect people to understand how I feel. I’m not bragging how good I am in that sport, or have the intention to do so. And I don’t care what people say about that because NO One can stop me from playing my favourite sport. It is just me, my nature. I just doing thing I love the most. I feel good in my smelly shirt, with my dirty ball and messy looking ‘scarf’. I don’t give a damn on how I would look like on the field. The palpitation of my heartbeat, sharpness of the eyes and the co-operation between team members are enough to make my day. :’(

I’m miserable.

The next day, my English teacher read me a passage. Roughly, the passage was about FIND HAPPINESS WITHIN YOURSELF. I’m getting her point. I’m fighting against my feeling now. For the time being, please bear with me. Somebody,please FIX ME.

Frequency

Because we have the different wavelength, different frequency, different length. doesn't mean we can't produce nice lullaby.

will be fine.

I'M NOT FINE.BUT I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT. shhh