10, 9, 8....

Okay, I just got back my EE last friday. :( Soo many things to be corrected. And the worst part is my advisor put the dateline for turn it in (plagiarsm checker) on this Monday. Waaaa~ I had to give all out, typing 4000 words in 2 days. I bet I can apply for any type writers occupancy after this. wheee~~

And I had a lot of things to be done, including revision for my syllabus. Counting, less than 100 days to go, for IB MAY 2011.

So, I sat in E09C, typing my EE, just simply because they have plug in their class. I am too lazy to fight for the-only- plug in my own class. I am doing Business, as I thought it will be easier rather than doing Science's thesis, including Chemistry or Biology. TEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTT~ I am a dead wrong.

It is much harder, because I am taking Business standard level. To produce an analytical essay, firstly one have to master the concept of business tool or strategy, and maybe further reading on the higher level will help much. Yay, I bet I just speak out the solution. Since morning, I was revising on the growth strategy and studying the relevant tools in higher level syllabus.

As my fingers delicately hit the keyboards, my eyes sharply focus on the words counts.

10000 achieved, Alhamdulilah. 3OOO words to go. Shahirah, Abrar and Nad were in the class trying hard to finish their MATH PORTFOLIO.

Pity on them, I cannot imagine if I still take MATH HL. Doing EE is a suffocation to me, plus MATH PORTFOLIO, which meant to be sent in the same day, ermmm double or triple the pain. But, I love this way.

This is why I love IB actually, time would not be simple wasted. Strictly speaking, if you had nothing to be done, it is either you are super duper smart student or you might be tangled by the cliche' term named "PROCASTINATE".

and in the evening, I reward myself with a jog. It is merely a gift for my so-called-hardwork. Jog is a bless, with the ticking of rain, mixed with the bed of sweats and the inconsistent breathing, I felt like throwing away the pain, from my soul.

I was desperately want to let it go.

lala, lala, lala.

:p I have been thinking about him lately. I saw he's playing with yellow shirt yesterday, but I never passed him by. I bet he never know me in person. It is just I think I had built FRAGILE bridge between us. Invisible bridge, loosely. I bet time can easily destroy it.

I love the distance tho'. thank you lala.

my mind plays trick on me

I heard you cry loud,but please stop whining, stop wailing. Stop screaming in silence, clean up the mess in your face, doubting your self will never end. You will never be able to force something if it doesn't right.

Sometimes you're the one who give yourself the creeps. Or you just paranoid. It is not a question, but a lesson to be learned in your life.

Time grab her go,it is something unpredictable but she hopes she had done it right. She had much closer than you ever know. Don't catch her falling, let the pain knock her down. The bleed, the scar remind the nightmare of her life.

So make the test and don't ask why.

Just play the memory and keep it play over and over again in your mind. Here lies the truth you will never know.

So, when you lose your hope and excuses, nothing left to cling to.. and where you should go know?

...........

She saw no dead end,

And I dragged her into the road, wake her up, with the sense of reality.

Sincere JAM.

Now I am Safo's house. In the morning I went to clinic for hepatitis screening, ermm basically I have to check whether I had antibiotic for that or not. and bla bla bla.

Nothing much, the result was out last few weeks. AND alhamdulilah I see improvement, even it is not Big. I knew that Im getting closer, to my dream.. And my nightmare became a reality, my BIology teacher, as expected throw her tantrum at us. Imagine only 2 person got 6 in my class and mode is 5. and Im one of them who contribute to the mode percentage. AIYOOOO, go BIOlogy. Im gonna put YOU down.

Talking to my heart today. I really happy. Safo and Syed shared money to buy a baju kurung. Ouh, actually Im the one who constantly remind them about my present last Dec. but back in college, I almost forget about it. ( because of assingments, I had less time with my ME time). It just like, the unexpected thing you got when you are less expected it.

And, IBU ( safo'S mom) gave 2 pairs of baju kurung too. I don't know how to thank them. Now I have new baju kurung for class. :) THIS IS SOUND SOO KID.

and lastly, am waiting for the other present from my neighbour. She promised me to post a pair of baju kurung. yeah2 come baju kurung, come to me.

the haunted DREAM

Today is 29^th of December. I am running towards the stop sign, as my holiday is going to end. *Sigh* And yes, am still in my village. To be exact at Kg. Sri Bahagia, Mostyn. We have another thanksgiving ceremony for our late grandfather tomorrow. So, I should be busy now, helping my aunties at the kitchen. Suppose to be. But as the laziness revolves around me, here I am sitting down , writing my blog. Oh did I mention about my nightmare last night?

A nightmare that darken my dream, engulf my happiness and pulling out the smile of mine. Well I cannot remember the whole story, because sometimes you cannot recall the plot of your dream. You just have SLIGHTHEST hint of what it is all about. Basically it was about my exam’s grade. Predictable right?

I dream of my Biology’s teacher, Madam Nur Hayatee threw her tantrum at me because I got 0 for a section in paper 2. I felt as if I was receiving the Death Note when she returned my exam paper. It was blurry, I cannot recall the exact grade I got, but it was scary. I think she did hit my hands with a weapon. ‘weapon’ in my imagination is a chastisement’s equipment though I cannot recall the exact tool. Well, I pray it WILL not become a reality. Even if it is, I hope it will not be my grade for IB Exam in Jun 2011. You know what, I target to get at least 30 points for my 3^rd term exam. 30 is the minimum requirement needed if you don’t want to be called to a session for the Academic Day. But still 36 is what I need to fly!

Ameen. J well, let’s hope for the best and wait for my real result.

inner heart

still have a chance, because I feel the spark in my mind.

i see it through my very own eyes, i know

this is what i want

Allah, i give it all to you. guide me to the rigtheous road,

please avoid me from taking the astray

doors.

ameen

When a 19 years old girl speaks

bittersweet of my heart. I never regret that I actually gave a shot long time ago. When they say no, it is not going to end anywhere. Sure, after all the heartbreak at first, at least I can walk away knowing that all my lists had been done. It is NOT the right time to point out who is responsible to clean up the mess, instead I should see beyond it. See the future beneath the past. Experience that I gained is far more expensive that the sophisticated gadgets in the market now.

If you make a mistake once, you are not stupid. you just need to learn from it. SIGH. I never learn anything from it.

I think , it is the good time to learn about self respect. Enjoying the healing process, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Best way is to forgive. Pensive and poignant do awful thing that destroy my body and positioned my health at dangerous level.

Now I wonder why my tone is rather, monotonous? +_+

Ouh, maybe because I want to tone down. Speaking like a mature girl. Duh, this is when JAM start to untangle the knot in her mind.

But I can never stand when people lies. to be specific a guy lies.

I rather know something that is heartbreaking rather that have to find it own my own. to be exact if I keep wondering what happened while the whole world singing the truth out of their tune.

It is fun. I need to collect the pieces one by one, filtered them and fixed in a box of picture. A box of picture which contained all the uncertainties. All in all, a misery.

But IT is heart wrecking because I need to keep it silent. Hold everything and locked them in my diary. And my mouth too.

As the wise man says,

the truth never fade, it will reveal itself

I guess that's happened. And that is how this story ends. Too bad that you couldn't see what you should see at the very end.

Here I am, rather let myself drown in self destructing ocean, I rather be strong . Trying hard to swim against the heartless waves. And sometimes let the tide and low carried me away.

I know that the best pieces always come from something you care about deeply, my soul. My heart. I'm not ashamed to admit I'm was too emo-ing way back then, that is Jemz. The fact never be changed. To wrap this crap, I would hold my breathe and let it gently and slowly. The end. I hope to create a happy ending, next time. woooohooo. i mean it.

the CURE

We had aqiqah ceremony last few days for baby Akif, ( my uncle's son).So, I had chance to meet my long-lost aunties, uncles, my closest cousins, my nephews, nieces, my grandson.. More people.more merrier the ceremony minus the curious part. Yup, the curious part where my aunties asked my mother about my skin. Oh yeah, since Kasukma ( sport days), my skin complexion getting darker and acne deluged plus blemishes attacked my face. My eczema worsen my condition so I ended up having a prone-acne skin. :(

It still bugging me, because before this when I was involved in any sports competition, I admit that my skin tone getting darker. However, I had never get any problem with MR.ACNE.

Since Kasukma 2010, I found my life just like the pressure cooker waiting the breakout times.

Yeah , people said be grateful for what you have and be comfortable in your own skin. I think I should, but this time I can't handle this no more. So, I used the opportunity chaperoning my mother to a nearby clinic, and ask for a treatment. Initially, I was asking the doctor if she knows any dermatologists. Sadly, she said she knew none. But she took a look on my face and said this is NORMAL!

oh yeah. again NORMAL!

After the some small talk, she gave me choices whether to consume an oral meditation or dabbed my face with a bottle of antibiotics that cost me about RM27. I choose the second one, not because it is cheaper but I don't want to take any risk of the oral medicine's side effects. She also recommended me to use the Sebamed Teenage starter kit because of the positive feedback from her previous patients.

To be honest, I kinda tired to change the facial product,but mom try to convince me this one might worked. So, LET'S SHOP. I really hope this one will help to clear out my outrageous acne after being unsuccessful with other brands.

Yeah, kunak is a small town, with no pharmacist available. But it's okay, I will find the facial product later.

wishlist

WISHes LIST on my 19th birthday!

Fuh, it's been a while, I didn't write anything on my blog. Yeah, my family and I at Kuna k a.k.a my village now. I can spot few changes, like the weather is more warmer than before, new houses were built nearby my grandparent's house and the road is blanketed with tar which ease the car's movement. My grandfather had passed away leaving my grandmom staying in the big house with Uncle Masjur, his wife Aunt Mina, 1st child : Nurul. 2nd child : Irshan 3rd child : Bella and the baby boy : Akif.

Enough about my village, let's come back with new agenda, wishlist 2o1o

I wish .... :-

1. My family and I will be blessed with prosperity and health. Ameen.

2. ...that my friends, the whole BATCH KITA, my senior and I reach our dream, fly to our DREAMLAND, start the new living and for those who bounded with NewMed Malaysia, hope you hit your target!

3. .. I had new baju kurung (s) for college-days!

4. I want a new boyfriend just like him ... ( he is engaged recently, so all I can say is give me a replacement. okay, crap :P )

5. Please, if anyone found MR. MP3, please return it to me. :( i miss him so much. ( note : A keychain named JEMZ hanging on it)