Goodbye.

Change. Not everyone likes change after being in a comfort for far too long. But nothing will stay the same. Even your cells are dying everyday and continuously replace by the set of baby cells. And athan, it will not be repeated, you might heard the same rhythm, but it will not be the same athan recorded yesterday.

This blog means a lot to me. Sadly I had to shut it down, but I don't know how. and I choose to be ignorant. I will let it be, as it is now.


So here the link for my new blog,  http://shakyjemz.wordpress.com/

In case you miss me. :)

Vow.

Heed my words Pro, we will bring you down. We, 83 soldiers will do whatever it takes to win this battle, alive!

Run Baby Run

When you're far away from The Land Below the Wind, prove to the world, You are worth the DISTANCE. 


Dear self, keep on running towards the finishing line. :)

Snakw and Cat

I was in a house with a group of toddlers and a teacher. We were discussing about a subject - I never heard before. Suddenly everyone rushed towards the store room and locked themselves - including the teacher.

Not knowing what was going on, I stood steadily outside the store room and began to untie the knots of confusion inside me.

Before I could tell, I knocked the store room and asked to join  the group. Shockingly, the teacher shaken her head and said,

 " You can handle this yourself". and locked the door.

I don't know what to do, or to say but my eyes wildly observed my surrounding. Ah, the setting was in a kitchen. Slowly, I walked towards one corner and remained silent.

To my surprise, I saw a black cat with a fluorescent eyes on the table - it was looking at me and smile.
Not long after that,  a girl came into the kitchen. Her body was shaking as if the world is going down, vigorously, she got down to her knee and transformed  into a snake

*Yusssh*

In a blink of an eye, the snake and the cat put off their cast, and become 2 ladies. They are right in front of me, and one of them - The snake, approached me and held my hands.

She said, " Don't be afraid, come to my world.."

That is goosebumps! I kept on muttering some ayahs that probably could save me from the illusion of shatan.
Oh God, help me.

Not long after that, another woman appeared, and started to whisper to my ears. I could not remembered the details but the words she was telling me - was taken from the Holy Book. I followed my instinct and repeated the words after her.

I can no longer hold myself, so I thought, I screamed " This is only a dream"

And I woke up. It was 5pm and the nightmare had gotten me earlier that it should be. I don't know what thats means.

Maybe it could be something. or Maybe that is only the game of illusion. Whatever it is, I'm so thankful for the gift. The gift - the ability to pull myself back to the real world and leave the fantasy dream behind.

Oh!

Where you go?

Dear bloggy,

I feel uneasy lately. It is not that I'm sicked or stressed out for my final. That feeling comes again. Emptiness inside my heart. They say if you feel Allah in your heart, then that would be enough, as if I have everything.

But I'm in not at that level. Maybe, my journey is far ahead before I could really 'feel' it.

Dear bloggy,


Can I really mask this sadness? 
I'm really tired of crying. When I was younger, I'm this bad tempered girl that would throw tantrum to anyone I like. I always fight hard to get what I want the most, but I grow up to be this fragile girl.


Thanks to my high school. They really thought me to consider others feeling, to serve them, to make them happy - even it is means, to ignore yours.


But, at this moment, if I explode I would just cry my heart out. Furthermore, I'm powerless, my body had restrained itself from wailing, screaming or even crushing people.

Oh, I feel pathetic.
Because I am.

Dear bloggy, can you find my thing for me? I kinda lost it. I lost the most precious belonging I ever posses.  I lost my SPIRIT.

Fair bussiness.

So the toughest moment had passed. My mother had successfully undergone her breast cancer surgery, for the 2nd time. I remembered the last time I had this anxiety inside of me. I can't sleep tho my final was just around the corner.

Crying all alone until 4 am, because I was just too worried. Alhamdulilah, Allah had helped her again.

Not to mention, in this life, success doesn't always define your own happiness. Squatting in the loo, letting all the tears streaming down my cheeks, I prayed to Allah,

" I don't really mind if I do not get the so-called-distinction for my final, or if I just pass the exam with average marks, please protect her ya Allah. I really hope my mama is still alive. Of course, I can't imagine the otherwise. I really want to fast together, so I can kiss her hands, hold her tight and celebrate Raya for this year"

 And HIS POWER is unbeatable. I trade my result for her well life. For that reason alone, for a daughter that cares, it is worth it. No question, the benefit is beyond the cost put on my shoulder.

Unseen World

Now, I'm having my microbiology classes. It was extremely interesting! My Prof said,  wrote a minute 'dot' on a paper, and divided that into 1000 times. And that is the size of virus, subhannallah how small the creatures are. They are about 20-300 nm.  During the journey to learn this block, I feel like discovering and unrevealing a new world. The unseen world.

The more I learn, the more humble I become. Allah the Al-Mighty has the created different world for us to think, to be vigilant that world we live in, is merely - temporary. Nothing stay forever. 

Now ja gift, Now a gift.

Yesterday, Joanna leave Belgaum. Joanna, a surgeon/ researcher who comes to India just for collecting data for her project paper in KLE University. Oh ya, Joanna is from Northern England, and definitely with a heavy British-accent. No doubt, I love that accent.

I didn't really close to her, but as far as I remembered, we used to sit in the same table at the Mess during lunch and mostly- dinner. We exchanged our stories, and most likely everyday conversation will turn up like this,

" How was your day? "

" I'm quite busy. I skipped my lunch".

"The patients are waiting for me, I shall go now"

Sometimes I feel it was superficial conversation, but what else do you really need to ask? . I am busy so do her. I wonder it is the same conversation I would have with my family once I get the "Dr" title. I hope not, that would make a terrible wife, and mother too.

So, back to Joanna story, she gave me 2 pens - with United Kingdom's flag picture surround the shaft of the pen. It was so nice of her, because that simple gifts really fire me up. It motivates me to work harder for my Pro Examination ( which is just less than a month to go ) and pamper myself to Eire and UK next Feb!

I know most people said,  the holiday is too short to really enjoy the trip. But for me, I really want to go, regardless any conditions. I have my friends all over the states and I would surely enjoy my holiday. And about the how expensive the ticket could be, I really think that I deserved that.

It was my money I'm been saving for few months that I would finally spend on the thing I love the most. People, we have different stand, and I won't bow down simply like that.

I have wish lists which are meant to be ticked, and dreams meant to be grabbed. And it is mine and it will be never yours. I stand with my dreams, and InsyALLAH this will keep me going. To Eire, To UK , and to fight the Pro! - that the price I'll pay.

Pharmaco

Fuh, the Pharmacology Block has ended, I mean the test. Its kinda funny, how I've tried so hard to remember the name of the drugs, the route, absorption and I hold my breath for a second, and wondered " What is the name of the first drug again?"

I really really need a partner in studying. I love study group, even though it is kinda tiring to open up your mouth and explained it to your partners but it is so worthy when you can easily recall them in your exam. Like last night, I was in Darina's room and taught her about Free Radical and Antioxidant. Poor her, she had to skip the classes because her stomach still didn't manage to be well adapted to our MESS food. So, I offered myself to be her teacher for that night.

Not the entire night, because I felt asleep after 1/ 1/2 hours after that while she is still studying.

Oh ya, I really really happy when Fi gave me a message on facebook that she passed her 1st year. Without a second thought, I tried to call her on skype. I was screaming " CONGRATULATIONS" when she barely hear me. =.='. I felt so retarded.

So, I had a brief chat with her instead of phoning. I miss her so much, can't wait to go back to Malaysia to celebrate this. Opss, I forget my turn hasn't come. My exam is yet to come. Dear reader, please pray for me :)

Don't write in anger.

Don't look back in anger. Yesterday, I commented one of Karl's status without any intention, to condemn or to gave bad remark etc. To me, it was just a plain 'hey-bro-get a life' kinda words, when somebody replied in such a way, that can provoke me.

Honestly, I was shocked. I had put the past behind, and really move on with my own life. Supposedly, the question of jealously will never arise. For whatever life he had now, it is  none of my business.

The old me will surely condemned those harsh words, put up an argument until I think I can win the conversation. The old me will never stop to twist thing until I get what I wanted and let the victory in my side.

But, there is no way I want to do that now. I was looking at those words, staring at the laptop and thinking how immature the person is, at the same time, reflected back, how immature I was.

I didn't reply anything. I had no intention to fight over those miscellaneous thing in my life. As I grow older, I realize fighting over small unnecessary  thing like that, will only drain my energy, blacken my heart.

I open up  my heart. Learning to accept, that not everyone will please me. Even I could not afford to  please everyone in this world.

By the way, I called my dad 3 days ago, he said he wanted to buy me a new handphone, since I lost one. I mean I had lost my phone twice, and the only phone I have now, is the gift from my beloved friends.

To his surprise, I say NO. I don't think I want any gadget anymore. And even if I do, I would love to save my allowance and buy it with my effort. Like what I did last Assessment. I promised to myself, to buy a new Roxy backpack, if my grade is B+ or better. And, alhamdulilah, I've an A-. Obviously, my parents didn't really care what grade I obtained, they just wanna make sure, I'll pass.

The next day, I called my mother, and told her about handphone. Let call it is equal, because my dad is ahead than me, when my mom said he was actually planning to buy me an I phone! It is a sweet surprise. Well nowdays, people would say, Iphone isn't a big thing anymore, everyone has tabs, samsung galaxy, HTC , etc. But to me, Iphone is still a WOW! I'm not a rich girl, who could effrot such sophisticated phone in a day.

But, as I said, I don't want any kind of phone. I'm happy to be phoneless, I pay undivided attention in the class, I read my notes instead of browsing net during my study time, I didn't easily get burst in my twitter,( maybe I did but not that often). I'm truly happy now.

Talking about my phone, I forget to charge it. I really really did abundant it. I'm sorry.

That's all. I should sleep now, all alone. My roomate went back home - KL to attend her sis's wedding. How cool. Bye! Good night!

Sunday MArianne

"Sunday is your "off "day right?" Marianne asked me. Oh Marianne is a researcher from Denmark, she will be staying here for about 2 months. The answer to that question is - a nod.

Marianne told me back in Denmark, people had different working patterns. They will divide the time into two half, - working time and pleasure time. And pleasure time is really important to them. But, when it comes to work, they will be so productive. Even his boss, who is an Indian said, the people of Denmark work so effectively during the day compared for those who eagerly to work until late night.

That is really interesting, because here, I saw the students will devote their time fully for the study, especially the local students. They are super duper "addicted" to study. Sometimes, I will find myself stumbled upon them when they were walking around, memorizing the textbooks or notes. That was impressive.

But I guess Marianne is right. Why don't I really focus during my study time? And had the Sunday off all by myself. Will see about that. I hope it will really works!

33 His Knowledge

Last night I felt so reckless. Maybe because I didn't perform my asar prayer perfectly, and that explained why I felt so guilty. Sluggishly, I took wudhu and perform solah sunat .
I asked for forgiveness.I asked to be given the very best in this world and the hereafter.
 I asked that my sister will pass her SPM and strike for excellent throughout her life. I asked my parents will be bless with his blessings -both dunya and akhira, so does to my grandmother, to my families.
I asked for my success in this coming PRO exam, to pass medic 1st year.
I asked the same favour to all my friends, especially 2nd batch of USM KLE, 83 of them.
 I asked that my friends in the NuMed, Afif, Fauzi, Fi , Safo and all of my friends pass their exam, I asked Muna, Sha , Anis and all of my KMB friends all over the world, who had - double/triple their efforts in gaining knowledge, to pass their exams as well.
 I asked for my sisters and brothers in Syria and Palestine and wherever they are to be protected by HIM-The Best Protector, and if dead is the best for them, let them dead in Syahid.

The next morning, I had to skip my class due to my upset stomach.

In the afternoon, I went to dissection class. It turned out that my group table -A2 is gone. I really mean it, it is gone! A1, A3,B4,B5... but no where to be found our cadaver and the table. So, my group members  just joined the rest of the groups. At first I was in Sir Pitka table, but I felt uneasy. So, I moved to the front table, Dr K.O. As usual, this adorable professor- Dr. K.O will talk as slow as he can, highlighted the important key terms over and over again. And made me so ecstatic. I can easily recall structure, and details of the testes, epididymis and scortum easily. Today is my lucky day, I never enjoy my dissection class as much as I did today!

So, after the dissection class, I went down having strawberry milkshake and sandwich at the cafe with Harisah, Ruzanna and Nabilah. After that I straight away  went to Ladies Common Room to perform my prayer and went up again for English Class. I had this intention telling me to look up for the notice board. Well, all the results of end block assessment will be put up in the notice-uncensored, which means the name will be there, your matrix num, your component marks, your GRADE and obviously everyone can see it!

So, I stop and stare at the notice board. Alhamdullilah I passed my GIT End Block. but that's not it. I passed my Endocrine Metabolism as well. Okay, I know that's not the big deal! But hey, I didn't study much for it. The night before, I kept on complaining how awful I felt toward the never-ending-tests, I tweet a lot! I still remember, one of my tweet after the exam paper,

"If I pass the test just now, that will because of the help of Allah". ( Kalau pass test tadi, memang Allah nk tolong lah)

The questions were so difficult to me. I skipped Dr. Neha class, and 2 questions came out as essay, and there I was, acting like a genius scientist, writing down all the new formulas on the paper.

This is a lesson to me. I;m happy I know. But I'm afraid this is another test to me.

The message is quite clear, no matter how hard I've tried, or how matter how lazy I were, the result is in His Hands. After all, we are all just learning the little portion of HIS knowledge. I'm so grateful. Alhamdulilah.

At night, my friends told me there will be a tazkirah by Dr, Syeikh. He came all the way from Malaysia, so of course I will not miss the opportunity to listen to his talk. Ya Allah, this man is so knowledgeable, so funny ( the way he laughs) and mesmerizing us with the little talk about Solah and Quran. I'll update that later, in the different post.

Now, I reflect back to myself. Last night, I asked for many things from Allah,and today I can feel his love send to dunya for me. He had granted some of them.
 I'm ashamed of myself for complaining that and that when He already gave me most of the thing I wanted. 
Thanks Allah for the nikmahs you gave me. May all the musleems including me myself will always be in the righteous way .Amin.

p/s Of all the ring in this world, there is only one ring in triangle in shape, what is that ? . Be creative. Be smart! Good luck.

Summer

 A little unwell today, in the afternoon I felt like skipping my MDL class ( from 2pm-5pm) but considering some lecturers were complaining about our unsatisfied attendance, I changed my plan.

Summer Bummer, when I read most of my friend's status in UK and europe mostly complained how hot the weather these days where 20c is considered as 'hot' and what do you think the temperature here, in the mystical land of India ? and plus it is actually SUMMER season right now. But luckily my university is locate in Belgaum, where weather isn't a BIG problem. Even though now is SUMMER days, my body still can tolerate as the temperature range  between 30c-33c. I can't wait for monsoon season, and Frans said it is likely to fall in the end of June.

Rain is falling down Falling Down Falling Down ~~~

New Block

Now I'm learning a new block -Nutrition Block. Yeah, light as the name suggests but I didn't take it lightly. Final is coming up, I have to be well prepared. Talking about preparation, I missed one of my morning classes. I regret that. Everyday, my biggest struggle is to wake up for fajr and go for morning classes.

Most of the time I wonder, will I marry a pious man, the one who will pull me closer to Allah or the one who falls me apart? I acknowledged the fact that,

   Good man is for good woman, and vice versa.


That is really, true. I can't deny that this statement dragged me down to the bottom part of the earth. Every time I think to build a future with someone, I reflected back to myself. Somehow I didn't wake up on time for prayer, I missed my classes, sometimes I didn't wear a proper hijab (I'm trying tho) and there are a lot more, that I think, I need to really work on it. What kind of wife I would be?

This inferior I had, restricted me from keep on admiring ze boys. The good ones. I have this mental sickness, that alter the perception back to myself, with several questions, like
  He doesn't deserve you.
  He is so knowledgeable in religion as compared as you.
  He might prefer someone who is gentle, as pious as he is and good in cooking. but not you.

Oh right! I didn't mention I don't know how to cook. =.=' I just know how to bake some cakes, with the recipe on my hands. Cooking isn't my thing. I love food but not the process of turning the solid raw material into a consumable one. I don't need a reminder, I know I must have the chef hands to win a husband's heart.
Errr did I mention husband? I mean, to get one. Haha

So, when my friends asked, "what kind of guy would you like to be your prince?". I'll answer, " I handed the choice to my mother". I don't know whether I really mean those words or not. I already told my mother bout it, but she just laughed and of course- without further comments.

Everyday I pray, Oh Allah shows me the light. If He is the one for me, shows me the way. If he is not, destroyed the feeling in my heart. I'm certainly sure, that love is no longer pure, it could be spell-bounded with a curse - nafs.



but. i didn't find anyone just yet.

My Rainbow -Sunday

What a great, Sunday. I must said. Thank God for letting me breath in this world up to this point. And I think too many things happened today, firstly I being selected to be the witness for the Election Day.

A: What does a witness do?
Q: Nothing. I monitored  SPR (Suruhanjaya Pilihan Raya) or Election Committee counting the vote. Just a double check up making sure they had done their job fairly.

And the best is, I get to know the result before anyone else. HAHAHHA (evil laugh)
Guess what, my roomie- D1 made it. She won the election for a Vice President position. Cool right?
When I told her  the result, she looked confuse. The face that telling me that she was 1/2 happy and 1/2 not. Pretty well not sure what she should feel. But calmly, gaining the concious of her, she vowed to use the power she gained, to pull people towards God, to carry the duty with all responsibility. Yeah. She always gives me that independent, ' I-CAN-DO- IT, babe.

Not just that, the other 'D2' won the General Secretary position. Awesome right? I'm so happy for them - both D&D.

After I'm done with the election, my roomie, Harisah and Miza were invited to the house warming of the Blue House by seniors of JNMC.

The house is located behind our hostel, but still we have go by auto. Miza said, " I never know there is a population of people behind our hostel'.
How honest. Cant blame her, along the journey to the Blue House, the road side is dry with only stunt plants and unfinished old buildings. It is creepy and 'warm' at the same time. Upon reaching the house, it was surprising because it looks like a residential houses-just like we have back in our country.

Oh, but the house is divided into half. (Sounds like I'm talking about fruits).
The other half is belong to an Indian Family and at the back portion - is theirs.
Overall, it was so fun with homemade foods, cakes, dougnuts and warm welcome. Even though they are much older than us, and some are even graduate with the title -DR (Intern) already, they aren't bragging about that. Humbly, we are treated like their younger sisters. It was the feeling that I've lost long time ago. Alhmadulilah, hope the chit-chat time tighten the bond between us, until jannah. Being invited for the first place is like  redz for all of us :) I'm honored.

The awesome seniors :) The owners.

                                        This is the 'BLUE HOUSE'. Note : That are not their cars nor motorcycles.

Go Borneo. Racist intended. :)

Highlight of the day : Marry-Me-Cake. Homemade! . Awesome Sis Dila!

                  Intially, we want to leave by uncle Mustaq's auto. But there is a confusion, that the auto didn't come though we had waited for about 1/2 hour. Ana ( our friend) called another auto to pick us up. And the auto is the one who won THE NO.1 auto in Belgaum ( with sticker at the front). Fuyoooo.
The driver had devoted Rs.1 Lakh to re-design his auto. He even managed to stick a newspaper pieces -of his reward at the back of his seat.  I guess today is just our lucky day. Syukran Allah :)

Private

 From now on, I'll delete the link from my fb or twitter or skype. I just wanna make this corner, private.

Wait

                “I’ll wait for you”. That sounds freaky. Na na na, this is nothing to do with me, my girlfriend just blurted out that, she had been proposed. Not officially propose, but just a promise by a mature guy,(with a stable career) that he wants to be hers, someday. Oh.. It is either the guy is sweet-talker or he really does likes my friend. Either way, that would be enough to give me the goose bumps. You’re just 21, you’re just finished those killer IB exam, you’re just about to taste the flavor of new course- of medicine and the idea of getting married? I didn’t see where it is coming.

                Well, I’m not 100% opposed the early marriage, that is individual’s right. It is not ME, who will be anxious the whole weeks, counting day on switching the ‘Single’ to ‘Married’ title. I understand if the guy is about your age, with the intended to ‘jaga’ you all the time. Where you gonna study together, despite of different university or sharing the same roof, whatever but having one with a position, is like a doom to me. You are a student and he isn’t. He is making money out there for live, for future. You are struggling night and day, remembering every each of details on your books. That’s difference.

But what if he sincerely wanted to wait, then how long it will take? Does she guarantees she will marry him at the end of 5 years- after graduating?. Would she fall for anyone in between?

  I don’t know, I honestly don’t know. The creepy, I felt inside, -I’m sure she get it amplified maybe 1000 times. If you happen to read this, I just don’t know what to say. You are smart, pretty young lady, may ALLAH shows you the light. Maybe this isn’t a catastrophic after all, who knows?

                Wedding, Handsome guys, Hot-Pretty chicks, Honey Moon, kids (names) yap, that words linger around the conversation of teenagers. That is normal. Girl, you might like him. He is  a catchy, good looking, a good listener and what bound you so tight – cause you both had gone through a lot together.  Finding the courage to drag yourself out of the misery. I totally get it, okay I’ve been there.

                But boy, if you really want to make her, someone special then be a gentleman, go and marry her. If the condition is inconvenient, then just be her friend. Act like an ordinary friend. That is the rule of friendship. Once you broke the rule, and decided to take an advance step,- to make her someone special, then the time will start ticking before its exploding. That would be a lie, if their spouse didn’t mention the commitment of having serious relationship, to knot the relationship into something more firm. Sadly, some might quarrel against each other regarding this, and that small problem will later on lead to the hurricane.

Boy, In my opinion if you really admire someone, keep it to your heart. Guard your heart with the most unbreakable lock, don’t melt in the middle. Find your inner strength to resist the temptation, in a simple word – be her friend. Treat her, less special or just like any normal friends. And please, don’t convey any special message, that would always be misunderstood boy, and that also, kills.

                

I look wonderful on it,

 Upon hearing how slow I stared my day, and showed up, quite late- not punctual for my class, Madam Sahariah a.k.a my beloved, greatest mom in the world promise to transfer some notes to my account.

In one elaborate afternoon, I went out to Khade Bazaar, and get my hands on the bicycles. Oh there are sooo many of them, varies from different colour and models. One with the basket at the front, top gear at the sides and the 'annoying' bell. After few chit chatting, I picked one bicycle of my favourite. Newbie in the town, with gears, shock absorber and plus- I asked the salesman if he can crave my name on it. At first, craving would never easy but sticker could be fine. I love to personalize my thing, maybe I love to stand out, but ordinary, dull, boring design won't get along with me. I love to add attitude in everything I did, or posses. Be it - scarf, bicycle, cards or even books :D.

But yeah, everything that happened has a dim hazy cast over it - in this case, I had to dig my own account. Mom's money is not enough to buy, this long-lasting , delicious bicycle. Overall it costs me Rs 6500 with a Rs 0.30 for the sticker. That would be around RM371.41 (latest currency).

One big problem, how did I transport the bicycle back to my hostel? They don't provide any transporter like one in Malaysia. Guess how,

Tying the bicycle with the auto.

    Now I totally understand why some auto(s) only have one door, so they can fit it the oversized-items, even the front portion will pop-out. :)

                                                This is how a DR rockin' the medical school

                                            Dr. Mariah in the future. Now that is motivating! Yeah

Who doesn't?

Brilliant smile, I shall pass the test with 'rainbow' result, or I'll face the music - of mom's lecture during skype-ing. Lastly, Thanks mom and dad for forking out the money for me, thanks dearest lieya for sending the notes, thanks MARA for the additional ehem... budget. Yeah, let's ride!

he said,

Love is a temporary madness; it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two. 


-Louis de Bernieres

Tour

Currently : Belgaum, India

-Manipal ( Check)

  -    Bangalore ( Check)

-Mumbai ( Check)

Wishlist :

Ireland

United Kingdom

Turkey

Saudi Arabia

Paris

Remind me to save my money. :D